Find the right fit — don't just fit in. Encourage kids to think about what they value and are interested in, and how those things fit in with the group. Ask questions like:
- “What’s the main reason you want to be part of the group?”
- “What compromises will you have to make? Are they worth it?”
- “What would you do if the group leader insisted you act mean to other kids or do something you don't want to do?”
- “When does it change from fun and joking around to teasing and bullying?”
Stick to your likes. If your child has always loved to play the piano but suddenly wants to drop it because it's deemed "uncool," discuss ways to help resolve this. Encourage kids to participate in activities that they enjoy and that build their confidence.
Keep social circles open and diverse. Encourage kids to be friends with people they like and enjoy from different settings, backgrounds, ages, and interests. Model this yourself as much as you can with different ages and types of friends and acquaintances.
Focusing too much on whether your children are friends with the “right” kids or on the “right” teams or clubs can make them worry about status. Concentrate on quality friendships instead.
Speak out and stand up. If they're feeling worried or pressured by what's happening in the cliques, encourage your kids to stand up for themselves or others who are being cast out or bullied. Encourage them not to participate in anything that feels wrong, whether it's a practical joke or talking about people behind their backs.
Take responsibility for your actions. Encourage sensitivity to others and not just going along with a group. Remind kids that a true friend respects their opinions, interests, and choices, no matter how different they are. Acknowledge that it can be hard to stand out, but that in the end kids are responsible for what they say and do.
Look at the big picture too. As hard as cliques might be to deal with now, things can change quickly. What's more important is making true friends — people they can confide in, laugh with, and trust. And the real secret to being "popular" — in the truest sense of the word — is for them to be the kind of friend they'd like to have: respectful, fair, supportive, caring, trustworthy, and kind.
