Why is supporting student behavior important?
Constructive behavior is about creating a climate of trust, cooperation and competence among students. It reinforces self-confidence in their ability to learn and develop a spirit of self-help and aims to gain student cooperation.
5 More Helpful Things to Say Than "Calm Down"
In times of conflict, here's how to not add fuel to the fire.
The problem with the phrase is that it often puts people on the defensive—insinuating that their reactions are the problem. Even if this has some objective truth to it, and indeed their reactions seem out of proportion to the situation, getting them back to emotional equilibrium will likely not be helped by accusing them of having an "inappropriate" reaction. Moreover, it feels inherently invalidating to have someone tell you that your feelings are too big in proportion to what happened to you.
Another problem with the command is that it gives no road map for putting anything into action. When someone is angry, anxious, or otherwise upset to the extent that someone else feels they should calm down, then by definition the alarm bells are ringing—and they can't just quickly turn them off because someone says so. And if the person saying "calm down" sounds anything but calm themselves? Then they're likely just adding fuel to the fire of escalation.
The next time you are tempted to tell someone to calm down, pause, take steps to slow down your own stress response (tips for that can be found here), and try out one of these other interventions instead:
1. "I understand this is upsetting." The value of this statement is that it shows immediate empathy, and instead of making the person feel that there is something wrong with them—which risks pushing them away—you're attempting to make a connection. By validating the fact of their distress, you lessen the risk that they will get more frustrated with your not "getting it," which can turn them against you.
Be wary of making the statement in too dismissive a tone, however, or pairing it with a quick request to move on. (Think of a monotone customer service representative reading off a script, if you want to know what to avoid.)
2. "It's hard for me to talk with you when things feel this intense." This can be a helpful thing to say when there is a heated argument and you are passing the point at which productive conversation reaches resolution. The key is to convey that you still want to talk, but that things feel potentially damaging in their current state. View this as a potential life raft that you are giving someone—illuminating a path out of the frantically intense emotions and toward a more even course.
Do not use the phrase, though, as an ultimatum or a threat that you will cut them off or run away if they don't immediately calm down without your help—in which case it's just a wordier way of saying, "Calm down."
3. "I am going to pause for a moment to slow things down." This phrase can be helpful in a conflict because it has the potential to model relaxation techniques without it feeling like an accusation of anything, or forcing them to follow you. Aim for a tone that is not condescending and that acknowledges your own role in the conflict. And then, truly pause—whether they follow you or not. Stretch your body, get some air, or do breathing exercises. Even if they don't follow your lead, at least you know that you will be better able to manage what is to come—and to lead by example.
4. "I'm here with you in this." This is especially helpful in situations where people's "big feelings" are getting the best of them, whether a child having a tantrum or an adult losing their cool over something that just feels like too much to handle. For most human beings, it is profoundly comforting to know that you are not alone and to have someone bear witness to your upset (it's one of the basic foundations of psychotherapy and sets the stage for healing). So often, when someone is upset, we want to know the perfect thing to say, but equally important is how we listen and simply stay emotionally present for the person.
5. "How can I help us move through this?" Very often, the idea of saying "calm down" holds appeal because it gives us a sense of moving forward. Of course, this is likely a false sense, but it's what we want most in that moment—the assurance that we can get through whatever is happening and solve it, preferably quickly. So, although "calm down" won't be likely to do the trick in that regard, you can still think about moving toward a solution if that is what feels most pressing—and if it feels too upsetting to simply sit with the person in their distress. By offering your help, you once again are going for a spirit of connection rather than accusation or separation.
Just make sure you speak it with an extra dose of patience, so that the person doesn't feel that the clock is ticking loudly in their ear, which will likely agitate them even more.
A Relationship-Driven Strategy for Addressing Challenging Behavior
Regular check-ins with a trusted adult at school can help students set achievable goals to improve their behavior and take ownership of their success.
One student walks into class and throws his backpack across the floor, yelling “Score!” when it hits his desk. Another waits until class has started and then loudly interrupts with a joke and a meaningful glance around the room to see who is laughing. A third student stares off into space and at the end of class most certainly did not write down the homework assignment or absorb much of the lesson due to inattention.
These three students needed to be reminded, cued, and redirected multiple times throughout the 45-minute class, leaving the teacher feeling exhausted and resulting in lost learning opportunities for all students. Does this sound like a familiar scenario?
The “check-in/check-out” (CICO) strategy can help educators spend more time teaching and less time addressing disruptive behaviors. The key is in providing positive, supportive, and goal-directed attention outside of class time. Fall-Hamilton Elementary School in Nashville, Tennessee, has successfully implemented this strategy, and this simple formula that puts relationships first can have a significant impact on student success.
THE CICO PLAN BUILDS RELATIONSHIPS
The CICO strategy provides a brief check-in to connect with the student and establish a small attainable goal at the beginning of the day, or prior to class starting, and a check-out at the end to evaluate the goal. The check-in starts with greeting the student in a positive manner, asking a personal connection question about something they’re interested in, and then establishing a daily goal. The student creates the goal, sometimes with teacher support, based on categories such as social, academic, and executive functioning needs, and the student records the goal on the CICO progress monitoring sheet.
The true benefit of the CICO strategy isn’t the daily goal—it’s the relationship formed through a trusted adult taking an active interest in a student who demonstrates challenging behavior. Often, just that dose of daily dependable attention can make a positive shift in how a student behaves. When students feel seen, heard, and understood, they no longer need to seek that attention in negative ways. Once the student and teacher or staff member are comfortable with this strategy, the process usually takes about three minutes.
WHO SHOULD BE THE TRUSTED ADULT?
Any trusted adult in the building can help a student with a CICO plan. It’s vital that it be someone who has or can form a relationship with the student and can observe them in the learning environment. A classroom teacher can certainly check in and check out with a student, and that’s sometimes most effective when a behavior is predictably happening in a certain class.
If the behaviors are occurring throughout all classes and nonacademic areas, then a school counselor or administrator could be the trusted adult to facilitate the check-ins and check-outs. The key to successful implementation of CICO is that the adult spends time connecting with the student and getting to know them on a more personal level that extends beyond their academic performance.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
Communication is an important aspect of the CICO strategy. Prior to a student starting a CICO plan, it’s important to include families in the strategy and provide clear communication about the need for positive reinforcement and support. If a student is receiving consequences or negative feedback about CICO at home, then it could impact their investment in the plan.
Be clear with students that this is a team effort, and their goals will be communicated with their teachers and other necessary staff members. Encouraging students to talk about their CICO goals with other staff members who can help support them provides reinforcement and also is an opportunity for kids to learn self-advocacy skills. Additionally, it’s crucial that all vested adults be aware that communication and reinforcement of the plan should be positive and not punitive in nature.
HOW TO MEASURE GROWTH AND TRACK DATA
The CICO plan is most effective when the goals are student driven. The more ownership a student has over the goals they’re working on, the more naturally invested they become in their success. At times, students will struggle with what goals to begin with, so it can be helpful to offer them categories and examples of goals. They can choose from the list based on what’s happening in their lives at that moment or what they feel is the most necessary to focus on.
Students evaluate themselves using a 0–3 scale, with 0 representing “I struggled with my goal today and need a fresh start tomorrow” to 3 demonstrating “I was independently successful with my goal, and I rocked it today!” There are no consequences for getting a 0 or a 1, which is an important aspect of the CICO strategy. Students need to learn that it’s OK to have a difficult day and learn how to make a plan to improve the next day. Learning how to overcome challenges and set attainable goals builds resilience and trust, both of which are fundamental to developing positive self-esteem.
The trusted adult (or other staff members or teachers who are aware of the students’ goals) can give feedback if a student isn’t accurately reporting on their goal, but only in a positive way and not a punitive manner. They can start with a positive aspect about the student’s day, use an “I notice” statement, and then finish with a question about how the student can accurately report about their day on their goal sheet. Data can be averaged for a weekly number, or a student can graph their daily data to show growth or regression. Regression doesn’t mean the plan isn’t working; rather, it means that the goals should be adjusted or the relationship strengthened.
SHOULD THE CICO STRATEGY BE INCENTIVIZED?
The CICO plan is naturally reinforced through positive adult attention, and in my experience that’s often enough to motivate student growth and change. However, reinforcing students’ success through positive parent calls, a special lunch with a teacher or adult, or some other student-centered activity that provides positive attention can also be helpful.
For example, Iets say you worked with a student who loved to make jewelry. They set a goal of having an average score of 2.75 for three consecutive weeks on their CICO plan, and you planned to celebrate by making friendship bracelets with them and a friend. This type of reinforcement can provide positive social opportunities with peers and an incentive to work toward the daily CICO goals.
This simple strategy has been a resource that has been used with Tier 2 and Tier 3 students for years. Students displaying challenging behaviors are able to build positive relationships with trusted adults and also get to be in control of setting goals and experiencing results. This method organically teaches students to set goals and accept feedback, which is far more productive than simply issuing a consequence or sending a student to the office. The CICO strategy is helpful to all educators and can be an impactful classroom management tool.
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