The Year Things Weren't Sunshine & Roses
"Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start being excited about what could go right."
— Tony Robbins
Years ago, my son entered 7th grade. Up until then, school had been a positive experience for him; he enjoyed his teachers and connected with them in one way or another. But this year was different. He struggled to connect with his teachers, and, for the first time, school became a source of stress for him—and for me.
Each day turned into a battle. His reluctance to attend was clear, and I felt the pull to "fix it" as a parent. I tried motivating him with things he enjoyed, like going to a game or getting something special, but nothing seemed to work. I even reached out to his teacher to build a bridge. This helped temporarily, but soon he was back to feeling disconnected and unhappy.
After parent-teacher conferences, I realized I had only been seeing one side of the story. Hearing his teacher’s perspective was eye-opening and healthy for me. It’s easy to become biased when we only know half the story.
So, I took a different approach at home. I talked with my son about what was within his control—his attitude, his communication with the teacher, and the people he chose to sit with in class. I saw that his peer group’s negative outlook was influencing him, pulling him further away from enjoying school. It was time for a new kind of conversation, one centered on self-reflection.
On a crisp fall day, I asked him about his favorite teacher. He smiled and said, “Mrs. Davey in 4th grade.” I followed up, “Why?” For the next few minutes, he shared what made that year special: the freedom to ask questions and a sense that she truly cared about him. I validated his feelings, acknowledging how lucky he was to have had such a teacher.
Then I asked if he thought he’d connect with every teacher, coach, or future boss the same way. He shook his head, realizing that not every relationship would mirror his experience with Mrs. Davey. At that moment, I made a conscious choice—to stop trying to “fix” 7th grade for him and instead help him figure out how he could grow from the experience.
The rest of the year improved. It wouldn’t go down in history as his favorite year, but sometimes our best lessons come from facing challenges. To this day, we still talk about what he can control and the effort he brings to his relationships. His greatest takeaway from 7th grade was to stop pointing fingers and start owning his part in any situation.
As he faced this challenging year, I reminded him of a quote from his idol, Kobe Bryant: “Great things come from hard work and perseverance. No excuses.”
As parents, our natural instinct is to protect our kids from heartache and disappointment. Yet life is not devoid of setbacks, and real growth often happens in the face of adversity. Rather than shielding our kids from every challenge, let’s encourage them to see obstacles as opportunities—to embrace resilience, to grow from challenges, and to find joy in persevering.
Helping Your Child Find Purpose
"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Growing up is full of challenges. Children may ask themselves, Do I fit in? Am I normal? What do I like? What do I dislike? What truly matters to me? Am I good enough?
Each of us faces a unique internal journey, but we all go through similar self-discovery phases.
As a parent of two young adults, I can share that the challenges are real for parents, too.
When I was growing up, people constantly asked me, What do you want to be when you grow up? The question became so repetitive that I developed a canned response. I vowed to avoid this approach with my own children. Instead, I wanted them to feel free to find their interests and passions. Each of my sons, as it turned out, has developed a broad range of interests. They both have multiple activities they feel passionate about. But one area that wasn't actively explored back then, and that I believe deserves more attention now, is identity.
Let's start by looking at what "purpose" really means. According to Kendall Bronk, a leading researcher on youth development, purpose has four defining features: dedicated commitment, personal meaningfulness, goal-directedness, and a vision bigger than oneself. The development of purpose is closely tied to the development of identity. Starting to explore one's purpose is crucial during adolescence. Research shows that teens and young adults who explore their purpose report higher life satisfaction and happiness. New findings even suggest that having a sense of purpose may be linked to better physical health in young people.
So, how do you help your child develop their identity?
Young people rarely start with a clear identity or purpose and simply move toward expertise. Rather, they encounter new experiences that help shape their unique sense of purpose. In most cases, experiences lead to purpose.
As parents and guardians, one of the best ways we can support our children is by giving them a range of experiences.
Yet, sometimes, in our desire to protect, we inadvertently limit those experiences.
As both a dad and educator, I encourage families to keep an open mind when it comes to trying new things. Here is a short list of ways to help your child explore a sense of purpose and identity:
- Traveling – Exploring new places, even close to home, can spark new interests and build a sense of adventure.
- Spending extended time outdoors – Nature has a way of grounding us and helping us reconnect with ourselves.
- Volunteering in the community – Consider organizations like TrueNorth, the Red Cross, Salvation Army, local food pantries, museums, or animal shelters. Volunteering can open our children's hearts and minds to a bigger world.
- Reading – Books introduce new ideas and ways of thinking, which in turn can foster curiosity and wonder about the world.
Lastly, remember that children are always watching us, hearing us, and learning from us. This is the perfect opportunity for them to see you giving back, too. As we help them explore their identity, we also encourage them to grow into compassionate, well-rounded individuals.
