Aspire's Awareness Academy

November 2024

The topic of the month wheel landed on: FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is the process of letting go of resentment, anger, or the desire for retribution against someone who has wronged you. It involves a conscious decision to release feelings of hurt or revenge, allowing individuals to move forward without being emotionally burdened by past grievances. Forgiveness can lead to emotional healing and improved relationships, both with oneself and with others. It doesn't necessarily mean forgetting the wrongdoing or excusing the behavior, but rather choosing to respond with understanding and compassion instead of negative emotions.

The most powerul act of forgivess I ever heard...

This is an excerpt from The Choice, a book by Dr. Edith Eva Eger, an internationally acclaimed psychologist and Holocaust survivor. Many years after the war, around 1980, Dr. Eger was invited to speak in Berchtesgaden to address 600 Army chaplains, near Hitler's former home. After much reflection, she decided to go and speak. She was 53 years old. After reading this book, it took days for me to stop thinking about Dr. Edith Eger and her strength and resilence.

Dr. Eger writes, "I even thought when I arrived yesterday that my presence here is a healthy kind of revenge, a comeuppance, a settling of scores. And then I stood overlooking the the cliff of Berghof, and it came to me that revenge doesn't make you free. So I stood on the site of Hitler's former home and I forgave him. This had nothing to do with Hitler. It was something I did for me. I was letting go, releasing the part of myself that had spent most of my life exerting the mental and spiritual energy to keep Hitler in chains. As long as I was holding on to that rage, I was in chains with him, locked in the damaging past, locked into my grief- for what happened, for what didn't happen- and to give up the need for a different past. To accept life as it was and as it is. I do not of course mean that it was acceptable for Hitler to murder six million people. Just that it happened, and I do not want that fact to destroy the life that I clung to and fought against all odds."

She reminds us that often, forgiveness is for the forgiver, allowing the forgiver to move forward, embrace what they have to be grateful for, and create whatever they want now that they have let go of anger and hatred.

I have often reflected on many of the words written in this book. Her forgiveness took time, over 35 years. Forgiveness for violent acts of the magnitude she endured can take time and a lot of inner work, if it happens at all. At 53 she felt ready, to remove Hitler's shackles and create some peace for herself. If Dr. Edith Eva Eger can forgive Hitler, then think of the possibilities of those you may be able to forgive for your empowerment!

I highly recommend everyone to read her book, she has so many lessons for her readers!

Eger, E. E. (2017). The choice: Embrace the possible. Simon & Schuster

Important Things to Understand When You Decide to Forgive but Cannot Forget

Have you heard the terms, "forgive and forget?" You may have heard, "forgive to forget." How do these phrases make you feel? Remember, when we forgive someone, it does not mean we forget what was done to us. Keep reading to learn more.

Understanding Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not about excusing the behavior that caused harm or claiming that it never happened. Instead, it’s an act of self-liberation. When we forgive, we choose to release the emotional burdens that keep us anchored to our past traumas. It is an essential part of our psychological health, allowing us to break free from the cycle of anger and resentment that can permeate our lives.

Understanding Forgetting

The concept of "forgetting" often raises questions, especially regarding painful memories. While completely erasing these memories is impossible, forgetting can involve diminishing their emotional charge. This process includes reframing our thoughts about hurtful events within a broader, less painful context. Importantly, forgetting is not a requisite for forgiveness. If you struggle to let go of the intense emotions tied to these memories, consider prioritizing self-care, self-compassion, and even consulting a professional. If the emotional charge remains strong and negatively impacts your life, talking with a licensed mental health provider can help you manage the challenges of forgetting.

Trigger Warning: When Not to Advise Someone to Forgive

Forgiveness is a personal choice, particularly for survivors of abuse or assault. Suggesting that forgiving will alleviate pain overlooks the deep violations they experienced. It's essential for them to confront and express emotions like anger and fear, as these feelings can be overwhelming. For some, the journey to forgiveness may take years or may never occur, given the severity of their trauma. True forgiveness happens when individuals are ready, emphasizing the importance of caring for those affected by abuse. Ultimately, the process should unfold at the survivor's own pace, free from external expectations or pressure. Tread waters lightly if helping someone after a traumatic event.

Learn more here, about Forgive, Forget, and People affected by a Trauma

The Psychological Benefits of Forgiving and Forgetting

Emotional Freedom

Forgiveness promotes emotional freedom. By letting go of grudges and resentments, we open ourselves up to joy, happiness, and genuine connections with others. Clinging to the past hurts/ hinders our ability to form new relationships or fully engage in present ones.

Improved Mental Health

Studies have shown that forgiveness is associated with lower levels of anxiety, stress, and depression. Those who practice forgiveness typically report higher levels of life satisfaction and overall well-being. This emotional release can also lead to improved physical health due to reduced stress levels.

Better Relationships

Holding onto resentment can strain our relationships, even with those who had no part in the original offense. By forgiving, we often find it easier to connect with others and resolve conflicts in healthier ways, leading to deeper and more meaningful relationships.

Empowerment

Forgiveness empowers us. It shifts the focus from the offense to our own emotional state. Instead of allowing someone else’s actions to dictate our feelings, we take control by choosing to forgive, creating a sense of mastery over our emotions.

Increased Resilience

Forgiveness can enhance our resilience by helping us cope with adversity more effectively. It allows individuals to move past negative experiences, reducing the likelihood that bitterness and anger will affect them in future challenges. This shift in mindset fosters a more adaptive approach to life’s difficulties.

Enhanced Clarity and Perspective:

Forgiveness can provide greater clarity concerning the situation and its impact on our lives. It allows individuals to gain perspective on the event and the people involved, leading to a deeper understanding of their emotions. This clarity can promote personal growth, enabling individuals to learn from their experiences rather than remain stuck in the past.

The Complete Puzzle of How to Practice Forgiveness

Click Here for the "How to Practice Forgiveness" in a list format

Click here for a full article on How to Practice Self-forgiveness

13 ways to find self-forgiveness

1. Catagorize your offense

Catagorizing your offense begins the self-forgiveness process. You break down what you did, look at it, give it a little distance and begin the healing.

Fail at a major life task
Your actions hurt someone else
You hurt yourself in a way that impact how you led your life: usually self-destructive behavior
You didn't do something you thought you should, such as intervening a family dispute or put money away for you child's college tuition.

2. Give yourself grace

We are only human and mistakes happen- what matters is what you do next.

3. Know how you feel

Articulate the specific wrong you committed and harm that you caused.

For added support, care and advice tell a couple of trusted people how you are feeling.

4. Watch your internal dialogue

Reframing any negative thoughts or self talk will be critical for your path to self-forgiveness. Beating yourself up will impede the process slowing or stopping any change you want to make.

5. Recongize unrealsitc expectations

Ask yourself if your expectations are realistic, or ask someone you trust about their thoughts about what you expect.

6. Identify the hurt

Acknowledging the pain allows you to understand its root causes and how it affects your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships.

7. Hit the stop button

Replaying what you did over and over again in your head isn’t going to help you or the person you hurt.

Every time you catch yourself ruminating on your behavior/decisions, stop, and refocus your attention on something more positive

8. Apologize, if you can do so sincerely

When you can’t forgive yourself because of something you’ve done to someone else, sometimes all it takes is a sincere apology to make things right.

9. Practice PERT

PERT stands for Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique. It’s a 45-second strategy developed to use whenever you start beating yourself up over past behaviors/decisions.

Simply close your eyes, draw in a long breath that gently pushes out your belly, then slowly exhale as you relax your belly.
Draw a second breath in and slowly exhale
For your third breathe think of someone you love
Breathe gently, maintain focus, experiencing the emotions deeply for a minute
Ask yourself what you can do to overcome the present difficulty

10. Make it right

Make amends.

11. Take Responsibility

Avoiding the situation or person you wronged can make forgiving yourself much more difficult.

12. Put things into persepective

Every day, if you need to, remind yourself of the good things you have done during your life.

13. Work on replacing guilt with gratitide

Feeling bad about things you’ve done in the past can create a pretty painful present. So while you’re learning how to forgive yourself and move on, give your mind and body a break from all the shame and guilt by replacing them with gratitude.

Walk into your nearest supermarket and give thanks for the abundance of food that’s available
Go to a nursing home or hospital and give thanks for your own good health
When driving, mentally thank each of the drivers who follow the rules of the road
If you have a significant other in your life, thank them for caring for you every day
Really notice the salesperson in a store who waits on you and thank them for helping you
As you wake each morning, give thanks for your breath and the gift of your life

Michaud, E. (2022, March 22). How to Forgive Yourself Plus, 13 actionable ways to facilitate internal forgiveness. Prevention Magazine. https://www.prevention.com/life/g20512857/how-to-forgive-yourself-no-matter-what/

Click Here for Positive Psycholgy's Eight Steps to Forgiveness Exercise

Benefits of Self-forgiveness

Between Forgiveness and Thankfulness

As we enter November, a month dedicated to gratitude, it’s a perfect time to reflect on the relationship between thankfulness and forgiveness. While distinct, these two concepts profoundly influence our emotional well-being.

Forgiveness involves letting go of resentment and anger toward those who have wronged us. It requires courage and vulnerability, allowing us to reclaim our peace of mind. When we forgive, we release negative emotions that weigh us down, creating space for appreciation and positivity in our lives.

Thankfulness focuses on recognizing and appreciating the good things around us—whether it’s the love of family, the beauty of nature, or simple moments of joy. Practicing gratitude has been shown to enhance our overall well-being, promoting happiness and reducing stress.

The connection between these two concepts is powerful. As Oprah Winfrey famously said, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” By forgiving others, we often cultivate a greater appreciation for our life’s journey, even the painful parts.

Conversely, embracing gratitude can make it easier to forgive. By focusing on what we are thankful for, we foster compassion and understanding, allowing us to let go of anger.

This November, consider how forgiveness and thankfulness can enrich your life and facilitate healing, leading you to a more fulfilling and resilient future.