A Message from Ms. McMains

Dear 8th grade parents & guardians,

Welcome back to the school year and your child's last year at South. It's hard for me to believe this incredible group of students is already in 8th grade and I'm sure it's even harder for you to believe. I remember meeting many of the students at 6th grade orientation and helping them with stubborn lockers. Now, as they walk by me in the halls, I have to arch my neck upward to say, "Good morning." Seriously, this summer - wow they GREW. It's been really fun catching up with students, finding out about their summer travels and adventures, and watching them settle into the school year like old pros. Although I've met almost all of the students in this class and many parents, if I have not met you, please introduce yourself over email or during conferences in November and I'll do my best to do the same! I plan to send out a newsletter once per quarter. Some of what I write are random thoughts, sometimes I try to provide developmental information on a theme that seems relevant, and sometimes I write about a challenge or "opportunity for growth" that I'm seeing across the grade level. I am always open to parent questions or suggestions if there is a topic you'd like me to write or provide resources about. Finally, at the end of each newsletter, you'll find some links to articles, books, or websites that you may find helpful along with a link to all past newsletters.

The concept of "Yes, and...."

I don't have much background in Improv. I did dabble in musical theater in high school. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat knowing there is a VHS tape out there with a questionable rendition of "Sixteen Going on Seventeen." Anyway, although I never did Improv, everyone I know who ever tried it really liked it and found it extremely valuable. People talk about how Improv gave them confidence, taught them to take risks and not be as afraid of failure, and taught them how to "read" facial expressions, body language, and work with others in a collective effort. The concept I hear about most often with regard to the value of Improv is "YES, AND..." In an Improv sketch you aren't allowed to outright reject the idea that someone else has started. You can't say, "No, this is how it really happened...." You have to accept what your fellow actors have started and continue it no matter how difficult or unfamiliar the topic is. You have to say, "Yes, and...." So for example, if my scene partner said, "We climbed to the top of Mt. Everest!" I'd have to say, "Yes, and once we got there we ordered McDonalds using our Grub Hub gift card." (Like I said, my theater career was short lived). I've been wondering lately, what if we applied some YES, AND... thinking to the challenges of raising adolescents. Can your child be caring and inclusive toward a new South student on a Monday morning? YES! And....they can also send a really nasty text in a group chat Monday night. Can your child put forth admirable effort toward studying for a Science test? YES! And....the next day they might completely bomb a Spanish quiz. All people are complex and inconsistent in their day to day behavior to an extent. Adults are perhaps a bit more consistent with setting an intention for how they want to interact with the world around them. We have brains that are better for long-term planning, emotion regulation, and delayed gratification. Adolescents, on the other hand, are still undergoing so many cognitive and emotional changes. Some days they access their "Best Self" and other days their impulses or need for acceptance get the better of them. The challenge for parents is responding to each situation calmly and with a teaching posture. When they've done something kind, caring, wise - something we hope they'll replicate, point it out and give them the praise they deserve. When they've done something mean, careless, or thoughtless - calmly redirect, reteach, and if needed, issue a reasonable consequence or help them make amends to a person they've hurt. If your child is on the receiving end of poor behavior, you have an incredible opportunity to teach BOUNDARIES. I'll illustrate here with a personal story...

My daughter had a best friend named Harper. They had known each other since birth and finally, in 6th grade, they'd be attending the same school and riding the same bus. My daughter thought this was the best thing ever. She confidently boarded the bus on the first day of school, only to find her friend buried in her IPhone and completely disinterested in sitting together or talking. This continued for most of 6th and into 7th grade. I was heartbroken for my child and there was added awkwardness since Harper's mom and I were good friends. I remember many times having to step away from the conversation with my daughter and calm myself down before responding. What I eventually landed on was something like, "I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like Harper is going through something right now. Maybe she is feeling angry or insecure. I'm not sure. Let's hope that in a year or two, she comes back around and is more like the friend you've known all these years. I'll bet she will! In the meantime though, you don't have to keep greeting her every morning on the bus hoping she'll smile and answer back. You can give her some space for now and find someone else to sit with." Although it was hard to control my emotions in this situation, I'm so glad I did. Because of course a year later, Harper came back around, re-engaged with my daughter, and they've been close ever since. The challenge for me, and I imagine many of you, is to both validate your child's very real emotions which may include sadness, disappointment and anger, while at the same time helping them set a clear boundary. If you are going to treat me poorly, I'm going to step away. I'm going to sit at a different lunch table, different lab table, get off this group chat, etc, etc. We can help them maintain kind intentions and hope that the friend will come back around, while also teaching them to stand up for themselves and create some protective space in the meantime.

Those are my thoughts for now! I've included some interesting links below. I hope you'll check them out.

A general reminder to think about starting off the year with positive tech habits. Set up those routines and expectations now. You may think all those lessons were learned in 6th grade, but for many students they need to be refreshed and revisited. A few quick reminders;

1. Consider the best way to use Schoology and Powerschool for your child. How often are you checking grades and how can you empower your student to be independent in reaching out to teachers with questions or the need for assistance?

2. Can your child successfully study and complete homework in a reasonable amount of time if their phone is in their room? My middle child cannot (ask me how I know).

3. How is your child using their phone to communicate with peers and consume media? Texting? Snapchat? TikTok? Do you know what apps they are using, how often, and are they communicating with kindness? Your child may no longer need parental checks every day, but they still might need occasional monitoring and follow up conversations.