Avoiding Power Struggles
CTC Newsletter
Four Simple Strategies to Avoid a Power Struggle
Are you noticing that as the weather warms up so do students' unexpected behaviors? Well, don’t fret! You’re in good company. As educators, we’ve all found ourselves in the middle of an unwanted power struggle with a student. As soon as we engage in this game of tug-of-war, we’ve lost. We know this is so easy to say and so tricky to do!
First and foremost, when talking with any student who is in a heightened state, make sure you remember the importance of staying calm to avoid catching their dysregulated emotions. This is always helpful, but especially so when you sense a power struggle looming! Read on for four strategies to help you avoid picking up the rope and entering into a power struggle.
1. Don’t Ask a Question that’s Not a Choice
Educators are usually very polite people and we often ask questions that aren’t really questions. We recommend that you don’t ask a question if it is not an actual choice. When we phrase an expectation as a choice, we are giving students the option to say no. Can you imagine asking a toddler, “Do you want to go to bed now?” We can’t think of a toddler that would respond by saying, “Yes!” Instead, we would want to say, “It’s time for bed now.” For older students, instead of, “Would you please open your books to page 41?” try, “Open your books to page 41.” Instead of, “Could you please walk in the hallway?” use “We walk in the hallways at school.” This simple shift in language removes the opportunity for a child to refuse your direction. It also makes it a lot less confusing for the student when we are clear about our expectations.
2. Offer Two Choices When you Can
When our students are looking for a power struggle, they are oftentimes actually looking for control. One easy way to allow students to have an appropriate level of control is to offer two choices when you can. It’s important to note that both choices should be choices that you can live with. For younger students who won’t leave the playground when recess ends, try, “Would you like to hold my hand while we walk inside, or do you want to walk by yourself?” For older kids, “We need to complete this assignment today. Would you like to work on it now or during lunch?” When we have an opportunity to give kids control in situations, it helps them feel a sense of autonomy and agency, which can satisfy their need to gain control by engaging in a power struggle.
3. I Wish
Another strategy that just works is using the phrase I wish. When students are complaining about something like wanting to be able to climb a tree at school, or having a later start time for classes, try to respond by agreeing with them. You could say to a student, “I wish we could climb trees at school. I loved climbing trees when I was kid. But on our campus, we have to keep everyone safe so we are not allowed.” Or you could try, “I wish school started later too! It would be fantastic to get an extra hour of sleep in the morning. For now, school starts at 8:00 so it’s important to be here on time.” Using the phrase I wish lets the student know that you understand their want or need. By agreeing with them, you’ve taken the fight out of the conversation. It’s so hard to argue with someone who agrees with you!
4. Say It and Run!
This strategy is a whole lot less sneaky than it sounds. When a student has decided to disregard the rules and is clearly looking for a rumble in front of their peers, do your best to disengage and remove the audience. Let’s say a student has said they are not going to clean up a mess they made with their food wrappers in the cafeteria. Try saying quietly to the student, “You can throw your trash in the garbage can, or go ahead and tuck it into your lunch box.” Then, walk away and give the student time to respond. When you leave, you are sending a message to the student and their peers that you are expecting them to follow the direction and you aren’t staying around for a power struggle. It also allows the student an opportunity to make the right choice and to save face in front of their peers. This would simply not be possible with an adult hovering over them until they followed through.
We can all get pulled into a power struggle, especially at this time of year when our reserves might be a little lower. Check out the chapter titled, “Who’s the Boss?” in our book, Connecting Through Conversation: A Playbook for Talking with Students for more strategies, sentence stems, and resources to avoid picking up that rope!
We are so excited that our book has been on shelves, in classrooms, at schools, and in the hands of educators for the past year! In honor of our Book Anniversary, we are sharing a special professional development offer: Receive a complimentary 1-hour virtual PD session when you purchase 15 or more books!
Connecting Through Conversation: A Playbook for Talking with Students is the perfect summer book study. It's a quick and conversational read, full of practical and easy-to-implement strategies that work for every educator in the district.
Reach out today and begin building a culture of connection within your school community!
Transform Student Behavior by Harnessing the Power of Connection Virtual Conference
June 9 8:00 - 4:00
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Transform Student Behavior by Harnessing the Power of Connection
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COSA Summer Conference in Seaside
June 20 1:45 - 4:30
Seaside, Oregon
Connecting Through Conversation
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I loved it! This puts theory into effective practice!
Superb! This is a teacher’s book. Burns and Bare have managed to bridge the gap between theory and life in the classroom. Their work is clearly informed by years of excellent practice and shared with an enthusiasm for education that can only come from the best of us.
Peter Bolling
High School Teacher
