It is a new year full of possibilities, and many of us may be making resolutions to become better versions of ourselves. And yet, no matter how firm our resolution might be, we are going to get it wrong. A lot. When we think about how we talk to kids, we might share the wrong information or simply bungle a conversation. We like to refer to these inevitable errors as “Another Stinking Learning Opportunity” or ASLO. The great news is- we all will have these learning opportunities! When we take responsibility, we can ensure it is a learning opportunity for all.

Perhaps you spoke harshly, failed to listen fully, didn’t follow through on a commitment, or simply made the wrong call. In any case, we must do our best to make it right. Knowing the importance of trust in building Connected Relationships for Learning, accountability is the best way to make a repair . We honor and affirm students’ dignity and worth when we are honest and level with them after we have made a mistake. So, if you mess up, own up and apologize.

By apologizing well, not only are you restoring trust, you are also modeling. We are continually teaching students how to take accountability when they make mistakes. By humanizing ourselves, modeling a proper apology, and demonstrating that our relationship with them is important enough for us to apologize, we are taking a mistake and turning it into a true learning opportunity. Even if it is a stinky one.

So, what does a proper apology look like? We recommend following this framework, also available as a free download from our website, ConnectingThroughConversation.

1. Acknowledge that a mistake was made.

2. Express regret that it happened.

3. Vow not to be a repeat offender.

4. Guess at how it made them feel.

5. Check in to see if you got it right.

6. Make it right.

Two important things to remember when considering how to apologize. First, the apology should be to the folks who were impacted by your ASLO. So, if that mistake was made in front of the whole class in a staff meeting, then you should apologize to the same group. If your error was just with one person, then that is the only person you need to apologize to. Second, please do not include the word “but” in any apology. If you say something like, “I am sorry I spoke harshly, but you all were not following directions” then you are excusing your behavior and shifting blame. When you add “but” to an apology, it is like you did not apologize at all!

Apologizing is hard work, and frankly no fun. Knowing we are going to mess up, we have to ensure our missteps don’t cause long-term harm to our relationships. The only way to do this when a mistake is ours is to apologize and mean it. No matter your resolutions, give yourself some grace. Humans make mistakes. Congratulations on being human.