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PW Elementary School Counselors

October 2021

PW ElementarySchool CounselorsOctober 2021

Dear Families,


Welcome back to the 2021-2022 school year. The Port Washington Elementary School Counselors are here to support you and your children with the adjustment back to another exciting and fun filled year of learning and growing.


After a year and a half of unconventional living due to the pandemic, we are seeing some areas in our students that need strengthening. We are all feeling fatigued, confused, excited, overwhelmed, happy and a whole mix of emotions all at the same time.


We have put together this newsletter to guide you with some of these feelings and to offer some ways that caregivers can help at home.

Friendships are an important step toward independence. Among their peers, children practice important social skills such as establishing and building relationships, resolving disputes, handling difficult emotions, and defining right and wrong. While children’s social development rests on the foundation of family connections, friendships allow them to define who they are on their own. The significance of friendships is apparent when we consider that once children enter school, they spend much of their waking hours in the company of classmates. In the early elementary grades, children are still strongly dependent on their families, but around third or fourth grade the peer group becomes their social beacon. A child who always enjoyed visiting grandparents on weekends may suddenly insist on never missing Saturday soccer practice because that would be disloyal to the team. Most children of this age socialize in groups, small or large. Though they may speak of “best friends,” that doesn’t necessarily mean just one or two; that means all their friendships of the best quality. Children are usually drawn together by shared interests or traits. Boisterous children tend to gravitate to each other, and quiet children tend to befriend other quiet children. Even a class bully, avoided by most of his peers, often attracts a handful of like-minded friends. Interviews with children have found that for each friend they can usually identify a few qualities they share and some they admire: “We like the same jokes,” and, “She’s always there to help.” Sometimes friendships develop around a group that the children already belong to, like a soccer team, chess club, or dance class. However, the social appeal of being in a group is so strong that young friends want to share interests and activities. They use hobbies, TV shows, games, and other shared references to unite themselves. They can spend a lot of time visiting, arranging visits, and talking about visits afterward; maintaining the relationship is as important as what they actually do together. Often friends formally define themselves as a group by forming a club of some kind. Groups are exclusionary as well as inclusionary. Young friends define their relationship by who does not belong in their circle as well as who does. And because group memberships are so important at this age, feeling excluded is especially painful for late elementary- and middle-school students. Most © Dr. Linda Mayes, Scholastic Inc 1 children, however, manage to quickly patch up differences or make other friends. There are some youngsters who seem to lack skills for easy friendships and may need counseling. Despite parents’ lessons about not stereotyping, many groups of elementary-school friends remain all-male or all-female. Boys tend to play in large, physically active crowds while girls tend to form smaller clusters. No one is more aware of the divide than the children themselves. In fact, they tend to exaggerate the gap, emphasizing gender differences as a way to define their own group. But if you watch closely, you’ll probably see children of all genders happily participating in some shared activities and occasionally enjoying real friendships. The influence of a child’s peer groups reaches its height around the age of twelve. Usually, girls enter this stage before boys, just as they enter puberty earlier. Never before or after are most children so easily swayed by their peers’ opinions and so desperate to maintain their friends’ esteem. But young adolescents also form closer, more emotionally supportive relationships with particular friends. They develop capacity for deeper, more abstract thought, and thus a better sense of themselves and their ethics. In the years that follow, those close friendships should help children feel more secure in themselves, and more ready for adulthood.


Dr. Linda Mayes is the Arnold Gesell Professor of Child Psychiatry, Pediatrics, and Psychology and Director of the Yale Child Study Center. She is also Special Advisor to the Dean in the Yale School of Medicine and part of the steering committee of the Yale Child Study Center-Scholastic Collaborative. She is the author of The Educator’s Guide to Understanding Child Development (Scholastic, 2021). © Dr. Linda Mayes, Scholastic Inc

5 Questions: Elizabeth Reichert on Handling Back-to-School Anxiety in a Pandemic

Back-to-school jitters are normal every fall. But as families prepare for the beginning of the 2021-2022 school year, these run-of-the-mill worries are colliding with fresh uncertainties about the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, leaving kids and parents more anxious than usual.

Parents can use many strategies to help their children handle this challenging situation, according to Stanford Children’s Health pediatric and adolescent psychologist Elizabeth Reichert, PhD, clinical associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences.

“I often talk to parents about being the lighthouse in their child’s storm, the light that shines steadily in a predictable rhythm and doesn’t waver no matter how big the storm is,” Reichert said. “Their job is to be that lighthouse.”

Reichert spoke with science writer Erin Digitale about how parents can help ensure that budding students of any age — from preschool to high school — are ready to handle anxieties as the school year begins.

1. What are some concerns kids may have?

Reichert: Lots of things come to mind. Many kids are going to a new school for the first time: Maybe they’re starting middle school, preschool or kindergarten. Those are big transitions in nonpandemic times. With the pandemic, we might see more stress in kids of all ages.

Children may have concerns specific to the pandemic, such as the mandate that California students must wear masks while indoors at school. Kids who are more anxious may ask a lot of questions: “How am I going to keep my mask on all day? What if I want to take it off? What are the rules around it?” They may have increased fear of getting sick, too.

For some children and teens, it will be the first time they’ve been in close proximity to groups of people in a very long time, which brings up concerns about social interactions. For kids in middle and high school, social dynamics are especially important. They’ve just had a year and a half of navigating their social lives in the virtual world, and now they’re re-navigating how to manage social dynamics in person. Social interactions may feel more emotionally draining.

Also, not all kids are the same. With virtual learning, some children really struggled to stay engaged and motivated, grasp the material, and remain connected with friends and teachers. But there were other children, often those who were shyer or had difficulties in large-group settings, who thrived. For those more introverted kiddos, if they’ve been in a comfort zone at home, going back to large groups may be a more difficult transition.

2. What signs might parents see that children are feeling anxious or otherwise struggling emotionally?

Reichert: This depends on the age of the child. Among little ones, parents may see increased tearfulness about going to preschool or day care, clingy behavior or regression in milestones such as potty training. With school-aged children, parents may see resistance to going to school, oppositional behavior, and somatic complaints such as stomachaches or headaches. That’s going to be really tricky to navigate because schools now have strict guidelines about not coming to school sick. For teens, there may also be school refusal and withdrawn behavior, such as staying isolated in their rooms, or more irritability and moodiness. Risky behavior such as substance abuse may also increase.

Parents can expect some distress and worry during the first few weeks after any transition — especially now, when children are being asked to do many new things all at once. That can affect energy levels and emotional reserves. But if there is a major change from a child’s or teen’s baseline behavior that doesn’t dissipate after a couple of weeks — such as a teenager who is withdrawing more and more and refusing to engage in typical activities, or a child who is progressively more distressed — that is a red flag. Parents may want to consider seeking help at that point.

3. What proactive steps can parents take before school begins?

Reichert: Parents can start talking about going back; listening to what’s on their child’s mind; and engaging kids in the fun components of returning to school, such as picking out school supplies or a new T-shirt — something they can get excited about. They can also walk or drive by the school or visit its playground to build excitement. It may also be helpful to start practicing saying goodbye and leaving the house, encouraging independent play, and helping children adjust to being away from their parents.

If bedtimes have drifted later during summer vacation, parents can shift the family schedule during the week or two before school starts to get back in the habit of going to bed and waking up earlier. They can also reestablish other pre-pandemic routines that worked well for the family.

4. If a child still feels distressed, what should parents do to help?

Reichert: If a child remains anxious, there are key steps parents can take. When our children are upset, our natural is instinct to remove the distress they’re experiencing. But the first step is not jumping straight to problem-solving.

The first step is to listen, to create space to hear the kid’s concerns. Acknowledge what they’re feeling even if you don’t agree with it. The child should feel that they’re being heard, that it is OK to feel what they are feeling, and that they have space to talk to Mom or Dad.

Once parents have a better sense of what’s going on, they should try to work collaboratively with the child to figure out a plan. They can ask: What does the child feel like they’re capable of doing? What can Mom or Dad do to help? Who else could help — a friend, sibling, another family member? If, for example, a child refuses to go to school, parents can say, “How can we make it feel easier?” while also communicating to the child that, ultimately, it’s their job to go to school. By creating small opportunities for getting through difficult situations and coping with their worries, children will build the confidence and the independence they need to feel more in control and less afraid. It’s important to remember that children are resilient and adaptable, and, for many, after a period of transition, they will find their groove.

Parents can also elicit the help of the school and teacher. Teachers know this is a big transition for kids, and they are gearing up to help.

5. Parents feel anxiety about this transition, too. What healthy coping strategies can they use to make sure they manage their own stress instead of expressing it in ways that may increase their child’s distress?

Reichert: Parents are the biggest models for our kids. If our kids see us really anxious about something, they’re going to feed off that. Parents need to be mindful of their own emotions so they can self-regulate and become present for their child.

We want to be steady sources of support for our children. It’s also fine to say we feel worried or we don’t know the answer, because that shows it’s OK to feel those things. The problem is when our worries get too big, when we’re no longer calm or we are saying and doing things we don’t want to model for our children.

It’s essential to find moments for self-care. Taking even just a couple of deep breaths in the moment, taking a bathroom break, getting a drink of water or doing other things that create a brief transition for yourself, a moment to regulate your feelings, is helpful. Think back to what worked for you before the pandemic, and try getting even a small inkling of that back, such as five minutes a day of moving your body if exercise helps you. This is not only important for you as a parent, but it also shows your child that you have strategies to take care of yourself.

We can also invite our children into healthy coping activities with us: A parent can say to a school-aged or older child, “I’m feeling pretty stressed about this, and for me, going for a walk helps me clear my head. Do you want to go for a walk with me?” Parents and young kids can blow bubbles together — small kids enjoy it, and you can talk about how big breaths for bubbles help everyone feel better.

If they need more help, parents can seek resources from the teachers and support staff at their child’s school, from their pediatrician and from our online resources at the Stanford Parenting Center at Stanford Children’s Health.

Tips for Parents who are feeling Overwhelmed

For many parents the transition from summer to September can be difficult to manage. Under normal circumstances, parents say good-bye to free time and hello to schedules, routines, homework and activities. As parents reset their alarm clocks, there can be a feeling of pressure that sets in. As the pandemic continues, these feelings can be intensified. Here are some tips for how to respond to these feelings and set yourself up for a successful start to the year.


  1. Be gentle with yourself
  2. Take care of yourself first
  3. Be gentle with others
  4. Keep your home environment calm and safe
  5. Seek help if you need it

Why Kids Need Routines

Because routines give them a sense of security and help them develop self-discipline.

Humans are afraid of many things, but "the unknown" edges out everything except death and public speaking for most people.

Children’s fear of the unknown includes everything from a suspicious new vegetable to a major change in their life. For better or worse, children are confronted with change daily, which is a growth opportunity, but also stressful.

The very definition of growing up is that their own bodies change on them constantly. Babies and toddlers give up pacifiers, bottles, breasts, cribs, their standing as the baby of the house. New teachers and classmates come and go every year. They tackle and learn new skills and information at an astonishing pace, from reading and crossing the street to soccer and riding a bike. Few children live in the same house during their entire childhood; most move several times, often to new cities and certainly to new neighborhoods and schools.

And few of these changes are within the child’s control.

Children, like the rest of us, handle change best if it is expected and occurs in the context of a familiar routine. A predictable routine allows children to feel safe, and to develop a sense of mastery in handling their lives. As this sense of mastery is strengthened, they can tackle larger changes: walking to school by themselves, paying for a purchase at the store, going to sleepaway camp.

Unpredictable changes – Mom called away on an unexpected business trip, a best friend moving, or more drastic, parents divorcing or a grandparent dying – erode this sense of safety and mastery and leave the child feeling anxious and less able to cope with the vicissitudes of life. Of course, many changes can't be avoided. But that's why we offer children a predictable routine as a foundation in their lives--so they can rise to the occasion to handle big changes when they need to.

While helping children feel safe and ready to take on new challenges and developmental tasks would be reason enough to offer them structure, it has another important developmental role as well. Structure and routines teach kids how to constructively manage themselves and their environments.

Kids who come from chaotic homes where belongings aren’t put away never learn that life can run more smoothly if things are organized a little. In homes where there is no set time or space to do homework, kids never learn how to sit themselves down to accomplish an unpleasant task. Kids who don’t develop basic self-care routines, from grooming to food, may find it hard to take care of themselves as young adults. Structure allows us to internalize constructive habits.

Won’t too much structure dull our sense of spontaneity and creativity?

Sure, if it's imposed without sensitivity. There are times when rules are made to be broken, like staying up late to see an eclipse, or leaving the dinner dishes in the sink to play charades. But even the most creative artists start by mastering the conventions of the past, and find the pinnacle of their expression in working within the confines of specific rules.

There's no reason structure has to be oppressive. Think of it as your friend, offering the little routines and traditions that make life both easier and cozier. Not only will your kids will soak up the security, they'll internalize the ability to structure their own lives.

Does this mean infants should be put on routines as early as possible?

NO! Infants tell us what they need. We feed them when they're hungry, change them when they're wet. Over time, they learn the first step of a routine: We sleep at night. But forcing an infant to accommodate to our routine is not responsive to your infant's needs. She is not capable of adapting to yours yet. If her needs aren't met, she will simply feel as if the world is a place where her needs don't get met, so she has to resort to drama to try to meet them.

As your infant moves into babyhood, she will establish her own routine, settling into a schedule of sorts. Most babies settle into a fairly predictable pattern. We can help them with this by structuring our day around their needs, so, for instance, we make sure conditions are appropriate for her nap at the time she usually sleeps. Gradually, over time, we can respond to her natural schedule of eating and sleeping by developing a routine that works for her and for the whole family.

Seven Benefits of Using Routines with Your Kids

1. Routines eliminate power struggles

Routines eliminate power struggles because you aren't bossing the child around. This activity (brushing teeth, napping, turning off the TV to come to dinner) is just what we do at this time of day. The parent stops being the bad guy, and nagging is greatly reduced.

2. Routines help kids cooperate

Routines help kids cooperate by reducing stress and anxiety for everyone. We all know what comes next, we get fair warning for transitions, and no one feels pushed around, or like parents are being arbitrary.

3. Routines help kids learn to take charge of their own activities.

Over time, kids learn to brush their teeth, pack their backpacks, etc., without constant reminders. Kids love being in charge of themselves. This feeling increases their sense of mastery and competence. Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves have less need to rebel and be oppositional.

4. Kids learn the concept of "looking forward" to things they enjoy...

...which is an important part of making a happy accommodation with the demands of a schedule. He may want to go to the playground now, but he can learn that we always go to the playground in the afternoon, and he can look forward to it then.

5. Regular routines help kids get on a schedule

Regular routines help kids get on a schedule, so that they fall asleep more easily at night.

6. Routines help parents build in those precious connection moments.

We all know that we need to connect with our children every day, but when our focus is on moving kids through the schedule to get them to bed, we miss out on opportunities to connect. If we build little connection rituals into our routine, they become habit. Try a snuggle with each child when you first see them in the morning, or a "recognition" ritual when you're first reunited:

"I see you with those beautiful gray eyes that I love so much!" or a naming ritual as you dry him after the bath: "Let's dry your toes...your calf...your knee...your thigh....your penis....your belly ..."

Rituals like these slow you down and connect you on a visceral level with your child, and if you do them as just "part of the routine" they build security as well as connection and cooperation.

7. Schedules help parents maintain consistency in expectations.

If everything is a fight, parents end up settling: more TV, skip brushing teeth for tonight, etc. With a routine, parents are more likely to stick to healthy expectations for everyone in the family, because that's just the way we do things in our household. The result: a family with healthy habits, where everything runs more smoothly!

Did you know...

NYSED Child Nutrition has indicated USDA extended the provision of FREE Meals (breakfast & lunch) to ALL Students for the 2021-2022 school year!

However...

It is crucial to fill out the Free and Reduced Lunch form YEARLY to stay informed and connected to all available resources in the community and Port Washington School District. If you would like to participate and have access to various supports, please fill out the form below: