Dear Families,

As we embark on the winter months we understand there might be increased anxiety about the unknowns related to the pandemic. We continue to put together resources that we think can support your children during these challenges times.

We hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday season.

Please contact your Elementary School Counselor with questions or for additional resources and support.

Daly School: Casey Horowitz, chorowitz@portnet.org

Daly Pre-K: Jessica Shawver, jshawver@portnet.org

Guggenheim School: Gina Kelly, gkelly@portnet.org

Manorhaven School: Barbara O’Donnell, bodonnell@portnet.org

Salem School: Arzu Alkan, aalkan@portnet.org

Sousa School: Jen Biblowitz, jbiblowitz@portnet.org

District Director: Kitty R. Klein, kklein@portnet.org

1. Bingo

You can use a website like https://myfreebingocards.com/virtual-bingo

2. Scattergories

To play, head to this free game generator and send each person a link to the game. The rules are simple: there is one letter and five categories (things like "school supplies," "book title," and "girl's name"). You have 60 seconds to come up with a word that fits in each category and starts with the chosen letter. The more unique your answer is compared to your friends' answers, the more points you get.

3. Name, Place, Animal, Thing

To play, pick a letter. Each player has to list a famous person's name, a place, an animal, and a thing that begins with that letter. The first person to type them into the Zoom chat wins.

4. Pictionary

Classic game-night game, in part because the rules are so simple. To play, divide your group into teams. Open this pictionary word generator and choose a team to play first, as well as a designated drawer on that team. The drawer generates a word and has one minute to draw that word for their team to guess. If the team guesses the card correctly, they get a point.

5. Charades

Split your group into two teams and use a charades idea generator to choose your words and phrases. The person who's acting out the charade uses the Zoom "spotlight" feature, and their team has one minute to figure out the phrase. https://www.wordgenerator.net/charades-generator.php

Many children have difficulty regulating their emotions. Tantrums, outbursts, whining, defiance, fighting: these are all behaviors you see when kids experience powerful feelings they can’t control. While some kids have learned to act out because it gets them what they want — attention or time on the iPad — other kids have trouble staying calm because they are unusually sensitive.

The good news is that learning to calm down instead of act out is a skill that can be taught.

What is dysregulation?

“Some children's reactions are just bigger than their peers or their siblings or their cousins,” explains Lindsey Giller, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “Not only do they feel things more intensely and quickly, they’re often slower to return to being calm.” Unusually intense feelings can also make a child more prone to impulsive behaviors.

When kids are overwhelmed by feelings, adds Dr. Giller, the emotional side of the brain isn’t communicating with the rational side, which normally regulates emotions and plans the best way to deal with a situation. Experts call it being “dysregulated.” It’s not effective to try to reason with a child who’s dysregulated. To discuss what happened, you need to wait until a child’s rational faculties are back “online.”

Rethinking emotions

Parents can start by helping children understand how their emotions work. Kids don’t go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant. That emotion built over time, like a wave. Kids can learn control by noticing and labeling their feelings earlier, before the wave gets too big to handle.

Some kids are hesitant to acknowledge negative emotions. “A lot of kids are growing up thinking anxiety, anger, sadness are bad emotions,” says Stephanie Samar, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. But naming and accepting these emotions is “a foundation to problem-solving how to manage them.”

Parents may also minimize negative feelings, notes Dr. Samar, because they want their kids to be happy. But children need to learn that we all have a range of feelings. “You don’t want to create a dynamic that only happy is good,” she says.

Model managing difficult feelings

“For younger children, describing your own feelings and modeling how you manage them is useful,” notes Dr. Samar. “They hear you strategizing about your own feelings, when you’re nervous or frustrated, and how you’re going to handle it, and they can use these words.”

For kids who feel like big emotions sneak up on them, you can help them practice recognizing their emotions, and model doing that yourself. Try ranking the intensity of your emotions from 1-10, with 1 being pretty calm and 10 being furious. If you forget something that you meant to bring to Grandma’s, you could acknowledge that you are feeling frustrated and say that you’re at a 4. It might feel a little silly at first, but it teaches kids to pause and notice what they are feeling.

If you see them starting to get upset about something, ask them what they are feeling, and how upset they are. Are they at a 6? For some younger kids, a visual aid like a feelings thermometer might help.

Validate your child’s feelings

Validation is a powerful tool for helping kids calm down by communicating that you understand and accept what they’re feeling. “Validation is showing acceptance, which is not the same thing as agreement,” Dr. Giller explains. “It’s nonjudgmental. And it’s not trying to change or fix anything.” Feeling understood, she explains, helps kids let go of powerful feelings.

Effective validation means paying undivided attention to your child. “You want to be fully attuned so you can notice her body language and facial expressions and really try to understand her perspective,” says Dr. Samar. “It can help to reflect back and ask, ‘Am I getting it right?’ Or if you’re truly not getting it, it’s okay to say, ‘I’m trying to understand.’ ”

Helping kids by showing them that you are listening and trying to understand their experience can help avoid explosive behavior when a child is building towards a tantrum.

Active ignoring

Validating feelings doesn’t mean giving attention to bad behavior. Ignoring behaviors like whining, arguing, inappropriate language or outbursts is a way to reduce the chances of these behaviors being repeated. It’s called “active” because it’s withdrawing attention conspicuously.

“You’re turning your face, and sometimes body, away or leaving the room when your child is engaging in minor misbehaviors in order to withdraw your attention,” Dr. Giller explains. “But the key to its effectiveness is, as soon as your child is doing something you can praise, to turn your attention back on.”

Positive attention

The most powerful tool parents have in influencing behavior is attention. As Dr. Giller puts it, “It’s like candy for your kids.” Positive attention will increase the behaviors you are focusing on.

When you’re shaping a new behavior, you want to praise it and give a lot of attetnion to it. “So really, really focus in on it,” adds Dr. Giller. “Be sincere, enthusiastic and genuine. And you want it to be very specific, to make sure your child understands what you are praising.”

When helping your child deal with an emotion, notice the efforts to calm down, however small. For example, if your child is in the midst of a tantrum and you see him take a deep inhale of air, you can say, “I like that you took a deep breath” and join him in taking additional deep breathes.

Clear expectations

Another key way to help prevent kids from getting dysregulated is to make your expectations clear and follow consistent routines. “It’s important to keep those expectations very clear and short,” notes Dr. Samar, and convey rules and expected behaviors when everyone is calm. Dependable structure helps kids feel in control.

When change is unavoidable, it’s good to give advance warning. Transitions are particularly tough for kids who have trouble with big emotions, especially when it means stopping an activity they’re very engaged in. Providing a warning before a transition happens can help kids feel more prepared. “In 15 minutes, we’re going to sit down at the table for dinner, so you’re going to need to shut off your PS4 at that time,” Dr. Giller suggests. It may still be hard for them to comply, but knowing it’s coming helps kids feel more in control and stay calmer,” she explains.

Give options

When kids are asked to do things they’re not likely to feel enthusiastic about, giving them options may reduce outbursts and increase compliance. For instance: “You can either come with me to food shopping or you can go with Dad to pick up your sister.” Or: “You can get ready for bed now and we can read a story together — or you can get ready for bed in 10 minutes and no story.”

“Giving two options reduces the negotiating that can lead to tension,” Dr. Samar suggests.

Coping ahead

Coping ahead is planning in advance for something that you predict may be an emotionally challenging situation for your child, or for both of you. It means talking, when you are both calm, about what’s coming, being direct about what negative emotions can arise, and strategizing how you will get through it.

If a child was upset last time she was at Grandma’s house because she wasn’t allowed to do something she gets to do at home, coping ahead for the next visit would be acknowledging that you saw that she was frustrated and angry, and discussing how she can handle those feelings. Together you might come up with something she is allowed to do at Grandma’s that she can have fun doing.

Talking about stressful situations in advance helps avoid meltdowns. “If you set up a plan in advance, it increases the likelihood that you’ll end up in a positive situation,” Dr. Samar notes.

Problem solving

If a child has a tantrum, parents are often hesitant to bring it up later, Dr. Samar notes. “It’s natural to want to put that behind us. But it’s good to revisit briefly, in a non-judgmental way.”

Revisiting an earlier event — say a meltdown at the toy store — engages the child in thinking about what happened, and to strategize about what could have been done differently. If you can come up with one or two things that might have led to a different outcome, your child might remember them next time he’s starting to feel overwhelmed.

Five special minutes a day

Even a small amount of time set aside reliably, every day, for mom or dad to do something chosen by a child can help that child manage stress at other points in the day. It’s a time for positive connection, without parental commands, ignoring any minor misbehavior, just attending to your child and letting her be in charge.

It can help a child who’s having a tough time in school, for instance, to know she can look forward to that special time. “This five minutes of parental attention should not be contingent on good behavior,” says Dr. Samar. “It’s a time, no matter what happened that day, to reinforce that ‘I love you no matter what.’ ”

As we head into the holidays, families everywhere are struggling to make plans appropriate for the pandemic. How do we celebrate when we can’t be together as usual? How do we resolve differences of opinion about what is safe? How do we deal with more disappointment and frustration — and help our kids do the same?

We can’t tell you what the right (or safe) choices are for your family, but here are some tips to make the best of holidays during the pandemic, whatever your situation. We asked our experts for advice about ways to minimize stress and help everyone in the family feel as good as possible about this unusual holiday season.

Don’t wait to make plans

Discussions about this year’s holidays can be painful, but making plans ahead of time will make the days themselves much less stressful.

1. it’s better to work with the information we have now and plan accordingly. That gives everyone time to make good decisions and get comfortable with them, especially if they represent a big change in family traditions kids look forward to – like a shopping trip with grandma or a holiday party with friends.

2. “The more predictability we can create in this uncertain time, the better it is for kids,” notes Grace Berman, LCSW, a social worker at the Child Mind Institute. “By making decisions early, you can really help them be prepared for what’s going to happen.” She suggests outlining for kids what Thanksgiving or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate is going to look like this year, and then helping them cope ahead with it — work through feelings they might have and come up with strategies to feel better. If you wait until the last minute to figure out plans, kids won’t have time to deal with any confusion or disappointment, which will make the holidays that much more stressful for the whole family.

Discuss rules in advance

Differences of opinion about how to gather safely may be a huge source of stress this holiday season. Safety measures for any kind of holiday gathering should be discussed clearly and decided in advance, advises Colin de Miranda, ASW, a social worker at the Child Mind Institute. Will everyone be tested before coming? Where do we stand on hugging? What are our rules about masks? Avoid awkwardness and conflict (and unexpected risk to your family’s safety) by making explicit agreements ahead of time with everyone who’s going to be present. Whatever you decide to do, it’s comforting for an anxious child to hear from you that the plan is a careful one: “We’ve thought about it and discussed it with everyone, and this is the decision we’ve come to. It’s okay for you to feel anxious, and here are all the steps that we’re taking to make sure that everyone can feel safe.”

Stay the course

And what do you do when a guest who has agreed to a socially distanced visit comes in for the hug anyway? Time to refer to those ground rules. “You can say, ‘Remember, we discussed this, and so as much as I want to hug you right now or as much as I want to be able to see your face without that mask on, I have to ask you to stick to the rules we set,” says Dr. Hameed. It can also be helpful give kids a script to use if someone isn’t respecting the rules: “My mom says I’m not allowed to give you a hug this year but we can wave!”

“Clarity and directness upfront will go a really long way in getting people to follow through,” adds Berman. “We see that with kids, and we see it with adults as well.”

Setting a clear timeline with guests can also boost compliance with rules, especially if guests are going to be drinking alcohol as the gathering does on. Invitations commonly come with a start time but not an end time, notes Dr. Hameed. “So this year, families might want to think about having a time where everyone is expected to leave.

Start new traditions

If you’re not going to be able to celebrate in the way your family is accustomed to, be proactive and find new activities to make the pandemic holidays special.

“If you’re not able to share a meal with friends and family, it could be an opportunity to share in other ways, like building photo albums for family members,” suggests de Miranda. Maybe you can cook and swap dishes with nearby loved ones or write letters to relatives you’re not able to see in person this year.

Helping your kids think about ways to be kind and generous to others can make this year’s changes easier to handle, says Berman. For example, try letting your child pick a charity your family can give to. “We know that when we’re dealing with difficult emotions ourselves, doing something for someone else can really help us feel better.”

Give kids a voice

When framing this year as special and creating new activities and traditions, says Dr. Hameed, let kids have a role. What would make this feel special to your kids in positive ways, not just in the negative ways that we’re all aware of? What would they like to cook? What games do they want to play? Do they want to set aside time for favorite movies or listen to special music? “Being part of that decision-making process helps offset some of those negative feelings,” Dr. Hameed explains.

“A lot of times, as parents, we are trying to come up with ideas for things for our kids,” adds Berman. “But really, if you just ask your child, they will have ideas, and that voice that you give them is really important and a strong protective factor.”

Remember that all the changes this year can also be a chance to make the holidays more kid-friendly. Maybe everyone dresses up in a costume. Maybe it’s a big game of hide and seek that everyone — adults included — participates in. “These might just be simple things that you wouldn’t normally do,” says Dr. Hameed, “but they can still make things more fun for the kids.”

Let kids express disappointment

When children are upset about cancelled trips or not seeing cousins, it’s tempting to tell them that it’ll be fine, and that they’ll have just as much fun at home. But it’s important to validate their feelings by hearing them out. “You want to really pause and acknowledge that you’re disappointed, too, and let them know that it’s okay for them to feel disappointed,” says Berman.

It’s also helpful to model coping with that disappointment in a positive way. Talk to your kids about what you’re doing to feel better (like scheduling calls with far-off friends or making a favorite recipe) and help them find their own ways to do the same.

And if kids are upset or angry about your decisions not to participate in a larger family gathering, it’s important to validate those feelings too. Dr. Berman suggests language like: “I understand that you’re mad right now. It’s okay to feel frustrated. We made this decision because we thought it was the best way to stay safe. But it’s okay to feel disappointed and mad.”

That validation can go a long way in bringing down those feelings, and it gives you an opening to calmly explaining your reasoning. “Sometimes kids get upset because we’re making decisions and not really giving them any information,” says Berman. Keeping your kids in the conversation and letting them know that you hear them can help them feel respected even in situations that don’t go the way they want.

Holidays can be stressful and exhausting, even in the best of times. There are many expectations placed on us to be joyful, excited, busy, and happy to see family and friends that we often feel we fail to meet those expectations. Many people feel disappointed, even let down, after family gatherings. After the death of a loved one, holidays may bring up more sadness, add more stress and lead to more loneliness.

When we lose someone we love, it’s normal to face the holidays with dread and wonder how we’re going to endure them. Many people worry they’ll never enjoy the holidays again, never look forward to them again, feeling they just want to go away to be alone until the season is over. This may be the time when we miss our loved ones the most, when their absence is most glaring, no matter how long ago the death occurred. And it may be the time when we most need support from others.

These feelings are perfectly natural. While it is true the holidays will not be the same, you can make them different in a meaningful and helpful way. Don’t run away from your feelings, instead use them to redefine your holiday, tailoring celebrations to meet your new needs.

Who says holiday traditions have to be the same year after year? Consider doing away with traditions that were meaningless or unpopular and creating new ones in their place. Incorporating your loved one into new traditions or rituals can enhance the way you remember them and ensure they will be a part of holidays to come.

Below are some ideas for incorporating your loved one into the holidays:

1. Light a candle or say a prayer for them.
2. Share a story about them and ask everyone to do the same. It can even be a funny story. This is a way to pay tribute to the loss while honoring their place in your lives.
3. Make your loved one’s favorite dish or recipe, and name it for them (Grandma’s rice pudding). Include it in your menu for the future.
4. Repeat a tradition that your loved one may have started or liked. For example, if they always gave a certain toast, give that toast in their honor.
5. Show pictures of them.

Everyone grieves in their own way. There isn’t a roadmap for grief. Allow yourself time and pay attention to your needs. Don’t take on more than feels good, more than what you want to do. If you don’t feel up to hosting, don’t volunteer for it. If you feel like staying at someone’s house for an entire evening will be too much for you, let them know that you will come for part, but not all, of the evening.

Just thinking about your loved one not being at your holiday table may intensify the grief, the sadness and may even make you angry and resentful at them for leaving you. These feelings are natural. Grief manifests itself in a myriad of emotions that can run the gamut. Try to just notice them and then focus on something else.

Be kind and gentle to yourself in some of the following ways:

1. Allow yourself time to grieve if you want and need to. If you know people who are uncomfortable with your sadness, don’t spend time with them. Surround yourself with those who can support you and are sensitive to your feelings.
2. If you find yourself smiling, laughing, even enjoying yourself, don’t feel guilty. You are allowed to feel joy, even in grief.
3. You may find yourself overcome with sadness, the giggles, or both, seemingly out of nowhere. Grief comes when our senses are aroused by external stimuli. It could come from anything—a song, commercial, smell. Again, notice it and try to focus on something else.
4. Let people know what you need. If you need someone to be with you, ask. If you need to leave a party early, tell the host and leave. Allow others to be there for you, but most of all, you be there for you.
5. Try to participate in some holiday gatherings, or at least part of them. Getting out of your house will give you a sense of normalcy, a sense of belonging that can be quite comforting.
6. Volunteer somewhere that’s meaningful to you or was meaningful to your loved one. Helping others is one of the best ways I know to lift spirits.
7. If you don’t feel like you’re getting enough support, consider enlisting the help of a therapist, even if just to help you get through the holidays.
8. Don’t take on too much. Minimize your stress as much as possible. There’s a tendency to want to either do nothing or to keep busy all the time. Keeping busy is fine, but not to the point where you feel stressed.
9. Try not to overindulge in either food or alcohol. They may be temporary fixes, but chances are you’ll feel worse the next day. They will not take away the pain and grief.
10. Take care of yourself physically. Get enough sleep, eat right, exercise, and follow as much of a normal routine as possible.

Remember, time does heal wounds but we all heal in our own way and time.

I hope you have a meaningful and peaceful holiday season.

One of the toughest times of year for family members following divorce is the holiday season. For the recently divorced parent, the holidays after divorce can be an emotional, stressful, and perhaps a lonely time of year – especially if they don’t have new traditions and support systems in place.

It’s no secret that the holidays can be highly stressful for divorced families. However, this stress is readily compounded because we are dealing with the seemingly never-ending age of COVID-19 and many families are experiencing an all-new and ever-changing set of challenges.

Beyond obvious health concerns, the happiness and emotional security of divorced families are threatened by countless unknowns that were not a part of daily life prior to the pandemic. These challenges include living and working in small spaces, distance learning, and financial concerns. Further, many divorced parents find themselves co-parenting with someone who may have different views about how to manage the stresses of school and safety concerns for kids who return to school or stay at home.

The silver lining to the pandemic for some divorced families is that they have more time at home to establish new traditions. For instance, one of my clients, Jessica told me that her daughter, Kendra, age 12, requested that they put a Christmas Tree up on Thanksgiving weekend rather than the week later so they could enjoy decorating it and appreciate the lights and traditions of the holiday season.

Tips on How to Enjoy the Holidays After Divorce During COVID-19

Try to Understand and Empathize with Your Children

For children of divorce, the holiday season can remind them that their family is now divided and can elicit loyalty conflicts. They may feel that they are pulled in every direction and will ultimately disappoint both of their parents. Children may worry that they won’t get their needs met and they can benefit from new traditions and activities to replace the memories of holidays in the past. Young children may be particularly vulnerable during the holiday season post-divorce because they crave and thrive with predictability and routine – which go out the window this time of year.

First and foremost, you need to do everything in your power not to intensify your children’s loyalty conflicts during the holiday season. It’s wise to be flexible and understanding as you negotiate schedules – your children may feel torn between their parents’ two disparate worlds. Show compassion for your kids if they seem stressed or worried. Remind them that it’s normal to feel more stress this time of year and you will help them to navigate through rocky patches any way you can.

What can you do to create new, positive holiday memories when you are co-parenting? In my opinion, the first step is awareness that this is a stressful time of year and that your main goal needs to be let go of past grudges and bad memories so that you can create wonderful new ones. Holding onto angry feelings toward your former spouse can make you bitter. Remember that your goal is to create new, positive holiday memories for your children that will stay with them for years to come.

Modeling responsible behavior toward your former spouse is key to having a successful holiday. Children pick up on both verbal and non-verbal signs of anger so do your best to keep these feelings in check. Never bad mouth your ex and model respectful communication in front of your children. Studies show that children adjust better to divorce if their parents minimize conflict and are more cooperative.

7 Ways to Create Positive New Holiday Memories:

• Focus on spending quality time with your kids this holiday season (and always). Remember that spending time with your kids doing enjoyable activities is the best part of this busy season. Listen to them and plan to participate in some of the activities that they will want to engage in.
• Remember that your children are not possessions and that they have their own tender feelings to deal with during the holiday season. Do your best not to put them in the middle by making them a messenger between their parents or asking them too many questions about their time with their other parent.
• Validate your children’s feelings if they express sadness or other negative emotions. Let them know that it’s okay to feel this way and you are there for them. Don’t make them feel guilty about their time away from you – they don’t need to know if you feel lonely without them.
• Model Responsible Behavior with Your Ex: According to Rosalind Sedacca, “Studies show that children whose divorced parents get along with one another have an easier time adapting to divorce. So, talk to your ex about how you can cooperate in giving your kids a happy holiday season. If you can both spend some family time together with the children, without discord, they will appreciate your efforts. If you can’t, at least make the drop-off transitions peaceful and harmonious.”
• Never bad-mouth your ex to the children or make kids your messenger or have them spy for you at their other parent’s home. Model civil and respectful behavior with your ex around your children so they can enjoy being a kid, especially during the holidays.
• Begin new holiday traditions that will create positive memories for you and your children. For instance, playing games, watching holiday movies, baking Christmas cookies, listening to holiday music, or enjoying a special meal prepared by all of you. Hold onto traditions and activities from the past that worked for you and your kids.
• Remember to laugh and relax with your children. Laughter is one of the best ways to change a negative mood to a positive one. Take time out of every day to de-stress by doing things that you all enjoy – listen to music, work on a puzzle, or participate in other fun activities.

Holidays after divorce aren’t easy, but creating new holiday memories is well worth the effort. You and your children can build new traditions and memories of the holidays that will endure the test of time and nourish everyone. The holiday season doesn’t have to be a time of stress overload. Don’t forget to hug your children and remember to keep the focus on what is most important – sustaining a positive relationship with your children.